Tuesday, September 30, 2014

A Tribute to My Sister, Melissa, For Her 40th Birthday

Have you ever met someone in your lifetime who was perfect in every way?  Well, not only have I met someone like that but I am lucky enough to call her my baby sister.  With her 40th birthday tomorrow, October 1st, this blog post is full of some of the childhood memories we made together.  I hope you enjoy my walk down memory lane.

Melissa, a distant cousin, and I in New Jersey, June 1977

I can still remember how excited I was, in October 1974, to have a baby sister.  I was almost three years old and I loved her from the moment I saw her.   So much so that I did not want to leave her side.  I clearly remember climbing into her crib in the middle of the night so she would not be all alone.  In the mornings our Mom would find me there and tell me not to do it again but it did not stop me.  I felt my sister needed me there with her!

Melissa and I, 1975 or 1976 not sure about date

My sister, was my first and only friend until I started Kindergarten.  While at school I could not wait to get home and tell her all about what I had learned and experienced each day.  Especially after we moved to Arizona and she was my only friend yet again.

Melissa and I on my 6th birthday, January 14, 1978

We were almost inseparable and would play together for hours on end.  We had, and still have, very big imaginations.  We would constantly invent new "games" to play.  I will never forget the time Melissa thought it would be fun to play connect the dots with the moles on my back.  It really tickled and every time I laughed it made her giggle as well.  When our Mom found us doing this on the grassy area in front of our apartment she was horrified.  “What are you doing?”  Is what she exclaimed!  Trust me, we heard A LOT of that growing up.

Melissa and I, Fountain Hills, Arizona, April 1979
Melissa and I, Halloween 1978

We had called my sister Missy pretty much from the time she was born.  I cannot remember our ages, but it was after she started school.  One of my parents called her Missy one day at home and she stated all seriously, “My name is Melissa, not Missy!”  We all laughed at how serious and upset she was for being called Missy, but from that day forward we only called her Melissa.  Although, a friend of mine from way back then and all of our family members in New Jersey still call her Missy to this very day.

One of our favorite make believe "games" we use to play was called library.  This game, for lack of a better word, required quite a bit of work on our behalf but it was definitely worth it!  To begin, we would both gather all the books we could carry from inside our first house in Arizona.  Then we would take them outside to the carport to set up the library.   We could typically make two, sometimes three, trips back and forth before our Mom would say, “Okay, I think you have enough books now girls.”

Once our library was all set up, we would take turns playing the librarian.  The librarian would help the other person/people find the books they wanted.  Then, when you were ready to check out she would write down information about the books you were taking.  We even made pretend library cards.  Some days, the neighborhood kids would join us and they also had pretend library cards to use.  On those days the extra help always made putting the books back inside so much easier.

Melissa and I dressed up as clowns, The Summer of 1981

One day, our Mom brought home two “old fashioned” school desks for the two of us and a new "game" was created.  Melissa and I would drag our desks out to the carport, I have no idea why we always picked that particular spot, and we would proceed to play “school” for hours.  Once again we would take turns but instead of being a librarian we were a teacher.  We would even have recess time where we would go play on our swing set in the backyard.  When we were a little older we used the same swing set to climb up high enough to see over the back fence.  With arms full of grapefruits from the trees in our backyard, the poor cleaning lady for the businesses behind our house became our target and victim all at the same time.  Our parents do not know we did such a horrible thing to this very day!

Then there was the day we were playing in our front yard when they delivered the brand new plastic garbage can, the ones that many of us still use today.  Our imaginations went wild with different ideas for what we could do with it.  We finally agreed on the perfect use for it, on a hot, Arizona, summer day.  We both took off running excitedly towards the garden hose and drug it over to where the garbage can was.  We stuck the hose in the can and began filling it with water.  We were making a dunk tank/jack-in-the-box to play in.  I do not remember how we got in and out of the garbage can, but I remember as if it was yesterday, how we took turns getting inside of it.  It was the person outside of the can’s job to shut the lid once the other person was inside.

Once inside with the lid shut we would hold our breathe and submerge ourselves under the water and “pop” out really fast while pushing on the lid.  Every single time the person on the outside would be startled and jump a little which caused us to erupt into laughter.  Once our Mother discovered what we were up to she came running outside while yelling, “What are you doing?  Get out of there!”  Told you we heard that a lot.

I could go on forever with countless more memories Melissa and I made over the past 40 years, but I have decided to save them for future posts.  The two of us have been partners in crime for decades now just as my two girls are today.  We have also played pranks, like my girls, on unsuspecting people around us.  Although, I must say Melissa is much better at them and far funnier than I am.

Melissa and I Easter 2010
Melissa and I, Easter 2010
(We really need an updated picture of the two of us!)

I have the BEST sister in the whole wide world!  Thank you Melissa for always being my partner in crime, most trusted confidant, and the best friend a girl could ask for all of these years.  I hope this milestone birthday is more amazing than any before.  Because a sister like you only deserves the absolute best.  I love you sissy!

© 2014 Lysa Wilds

Friday, September 26, 2014

The Walrus Show

My girls and I hanging out on my bed

I was in bed one afternoon feeling the full effects of the RSD (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy).  I had just finished crying from the intense pain I was experiencing when my daughters, Brooklynn and Kelsey, knocked on the door asking if they could come in.  They both found comfy spots to lounge on my bed so we could “hang” and watch TV together while I nodded off here and there.

 Each time I opened up my eyes and saw them lying there it brought comfort to my heart and soul.  Here were two teenage girls that would rather “hang” with their sick Mom in her bed than do anything else.  I am truly blessed to have such loving and caring children.

 The last time I nodded off, before they went to bed, I woke to find that my beautiful daughters’ had been transformed into freaky walrus’.  I began to laugh hysterically at the sight before me.  “How long have the two of you been sitting there like that?” I asked.  Kelsey’s response was, “I don’t know maybe 20-15 minutes.”  I chuckled at what she had said for that is not a typo. That is how she ALWAYS describes time frames…but that is a whole other blog post.

Brooklynn and Kelsey as the Freaky Walrus'

I have always, since being diagnosed with RSD, tried so hard to be strong and not let them see how much pain I am truly in.  But, the more I pushed through the pain, the more damage I was doing to myself.  I had to learn how to be weak and vulnerable in front of not only them but others in my life who I am close to.  That in and of itself was a major battle for myself, and my girls’ as well.

They were so use to Mom doing everything for them and around our house, that for the first time in their lives they were flat out disobeying me by refusing to do anything in order to help out around here.  On a few occasions they even got so upset by my simple requests that they yelled, “I miss my old Mom!”  Those words cut like a million knives through my heart.  I miss the old me too, do they really think I like being this way? 

We found ourselves in a battleground at home and a family meeting was definitely in order.  I let both girls take all the time they needed, individually, to express their feelings and why they thought they felt this way.  It turns out that the majority of it was my own fault because they never had to do any chores, before the RSD took over our lives I did EVERYTHING!  The other major issue was the fact that I had no choice but to spend a lot of time in bed and they missed me and the relationship we had.

So to remedy the situation, I made a chore chart for everyone in the house, Kenny and I included.  The girls even started to earn an allowance if all of their chores were completed every day.  The other change I made was to make it a point when they were here to lay on the couch instead of my bed as much as I could and when I had to be in bed I allowed them to come “hang” and watch TV in my bedroom even if I was sleeping on and off.

I guess the changes made a difference because instead of acting out because I kept nodding off, this particular day, they came up with their wacky silly walrus’ show to lift my spirits and hear my laugh.  I am the luckiest Mom in the world to have such amazing daughters who have huge imaginations and personalities but even bigger hearts!

© 2014 Lysa Wilds

Word of the Week ~ September 26, 2014

My Word of the Week is:

Remaining optimistic despite the horrific week I had last week definitely paid off BIG TIME!  It also proved to me, yet again, that if we change the way we look at things the things we look at will also change.  It is truly an amazing philosophy that works.  This week is proof of that!


Monday morning could not have started out better even if I had planned it.  It all began with a shocking discovery...the person whose friend request I had recently accepted on Facebook was NOT my cousin's wife after all.  They live in Florida and this woman just commented on one of my posts that she is in Pennsylvania.  That could only mean one thing I thought to myself as my investigative reporter instincts kicked into high gear and I began stalking her Facebook page.

It took some digging and patience and despite the "About Me" section being blank, I finally found a post she had written.  It was about my beloved New York Giants and I figured this was my opportunity to start up a conversation and get some answers to see if my hunch was indeed correct.  Lo and behold, after we commented back and forth a few times she wrote, "Did your Dad call you yet?"

Indeed my hunch was correct, she was my father's wife.  My father that I have been searching for.  Which meant that he did receive the letter I had sent to his last known address otherwise she wouldn't have known my married name or how to spell my first name.  We chatted back and forth via Facebook instant messaging and email for about four hours straight that morning and continued to chat on and off throughout the day until she had to leave work. 

My Dad and I on July 5, 1993

That was the closest I have been to my father in several years, before we lost contact with one another for a second time, only this time for different reasons.  I had flown back east 21 years ago to meet him for the first time after being swept away from him when I was only five years old.  I was 21 years old at the time and neither of us were very good at keeping in touch.  And on Monday, September 22, 2014 my search finally ended!

I called their home phone that evening but all I got was their voice mail but it was definitely his voice.  As I was leaving a message I began to cry for many reasons and felt like a bumbling idiot. Unfortunately, it is one of those things in life we don't get a do over with as there was no way to delete it and start over again.  

Every day this week Cindy, my step-mother, and I have chatted.  She even sent me a picture of the two of them which I cherish dearly.  It was definitely my Daddy, 21 years older, but definitely him.  She also told me on Tuesday that my Dad would be calling me Friday evening. So needless to say this has been a VERY long week.  Here it is FINALLY Friday and the day can't pass soon enough.

Today is also my husband, Kenny, and I's five month wedding anniversary.  Neither of us can believe it has been five months already! Time has definitely flown by in a flash...

Oh yeah, on Tuesday I received a letter in the mail with the best news in the world...something I have been praying to get good news about, for a change, for over four months now.  I can't go into details because it has been a blog post in the making and I'm thinking I will finally get to finish it with, a happy ending, in the very near future!

Still ecstatically waiting for that phone call, only about four or five hours to go now... 

© 2014 Lysa Wilds


Word of the Week 9/26/14

Mommy Reality Challenge #19 ~ Before Mommy Was A Mommy

It is Friday and we all know what that means...It is time for another Mommy Reality Challenge!

As you can obviously tell by my hair, I am an 80's child.  This picture was taken on January 14, 1988, on my 16th Birthday!


Well, I guess the cat's outta the bag now, so to speak, for those of you who did not know me back then I am a natural blonde.  Trust me as soon as I open my mouth to speak the blonde in me shines through and I completely ruin the facade!  After all, I was once told, "You are the smartest dumb person I have ever met!"  Yep, that pretty much sums it up right there!  Hahaha

You've got to love my spandex pants and shiny, metallic, silver AND polka dotted shirt with the matching scarf.  All I have to say about that is Oh My!

© 2014 Lysa Wilds

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Another it could only happen to me story...What are the odds?

Remaining optimistic despite the horrific week I had last week definitely paid off BIG TIME.  It also proved to me, yet again, that if we change the way we look at things the things we look at will also change.  Monday morning could not have started out better even if I had planned it.  It all began with a shocking and emotional discovery.

I was up early with my husband and when he was about to leave for work I decided to get a jump start on my day and hopped online.  I was thinking I would get started on the social media marketing for this blog and my Avon business.  But, I was stopped dead in my tracks once I logged onto Facebook.  Waiting there for me was a REALLY big surprise.  The person whose friend request I had recently accepted was NOT my cousin’s wife after all. 

How did I figure this out so quickly after logging on?  Well, my cousin and his wife live in Florida and this lady just commented on one of my posts stating that she lived in Pennsylvania.  At first it freaked me out that I accepted a complete stranger’s friend request.  Then, a few seconds later I realized that this could only mean one thing.  Could that even be possible though?

My investigative reporter instincts kicked into high gear as I began to stalk her Facebook page.  There was nothing in the about me section which had me worried so I went to her wall.  I discovered that she plays a few games, shared a few funny posts on her wall, etc.  Finally I came across an actual post from her and it was a post about my beloved New York Giants.  So I commented with my feelings on the topic, hoping to start a conversation.

Lo and behold, she comments almost immediately.  We talked about the Giants and the game on Sunday.  Then the next comment from her was, “Did your Dad call you yet?”  Let me tell you the tears began to flow and did not stop for hours.  I instant messaged my sister and cousin not knowing what to do, because yes I am a spaz like that, but neither one of them responded for a while.  So we began to chat back and forth and I suggested we talk via instant message instead.

The only thing it could be that I mentioned before was that she was my Father’s wife.  I have been trying to find him for the past few years.  I recently wrote a letter to him and sent it to his last known address.  He must have received the letter since this was indeed his wife.  I did not go on blind faith she offered information validating who she was.  Only someone who read my letter could have said the things she did. 

Cindy, my stepmother, and I continued to talk for hours via instant messaging and she asked for my email address so she could send me a picture.  Even more proof, that was definitely my Dad, 21 years older but without a doubt him!  We chatted Monday morning for about four hours then on and off throughout the day until it was time for her to leave work.

After that experience I just had to try and call my Dad again that night.  I was closer to him than I have been in 21 years.  I definitely was not giving up now.  I finally worked up the nerve to call but I only got his voicemail again, as soon as I heard the voice I knew it was him and both times I called I found comfort in hearing it.  As I was leaving a message I started to cry when I said, “I love you Dad and need you in my life.”

Backing up just a little here to 21 years ago, July 1993 to be exact, to the first time I saw my Dad again, the last time was when I was five years old.  Even though it had been 16 years it almost felt as if no time had passed.  He was just as awesome as he was back then.  Unfortunately, neither one of us were really good at keeping in touch nor can I remember the last time I talked to him.  Okay, going back to 2014 now.

My Dad and I 
July 5, 1993

The next morning, Tuesday, I received an email from Cindy with an apology about my Dad not answering the phone the night before and some very hopeful news that cheered me up.  At this point I am believing she was a gift from God because she is helping me not feel rejected and most likely helping him figure out how to respond to me.  I am still in shock!

On Wednesday morning I sent her the first email this time wishing her a happy hump day and to let her know she is appreciated!  She responded with a little story about a conversation she had with my Dad the night before.  I am pleased to end this blog post by saying he will be calling me on Friday evening.  I don’t think I will be able to sleep until then because I feel like a kid on the Eve of Christmas Eve!

© 2014 Lysa Wilds

Sunday, September 21, 2014

My #WOtW is...Optimistic

After a long reflection on the week I have had, and let me tell you it was one of THOSE weeks, it was an obvious choice that my Word Of The Week had to be optimistic.

It began Sunday when my disease, RSD, flared up yet again and I found myself stuck in my bed until Thursday.  I was unable to bear weight on my feet and had some neurological side effects as well and my body went into what I call "shut down" mode and I truly slept all that time.  All I can do when this happens is go with it because there is nothing else that can be done.  I am not writing this for sympathy just as a release and the fact that we are suppose to write about our  If you have questions about my disease you can read about it here in a blog post I wrote about it a few months back What Exactly is RSD? or you are more than welcome to ask me about it. 

Tuesday when my husband's direct deposit was scheduled to go through to our checking account it was only 20 cents.  No I am not kidding it really was 20 cents.  The company is STILL trying to figure out what went wrong there.  Thankfully we stocked up on groceries the week before or we would be starving right about now.

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday there wasn't any work for my husband due to the horrible rain storms we have been having here in Arizona.  That did not help with the 20 cent pay check one bit. He has missed quite a bit of work this past month due to the bizarre weather system that is hovering over us.  However, he was able to work Monday for 12 hours and Friday for 12 hours so that is a blessing.

I am in the process of grieving an incredible loss in my life and have been for the past few months and this week has taken everything I have in me to get through it.  There have been many tears and all the stress adds to my disease flaring up.  But I did make it through the week and that is a MAJOR accomplishment!

My blog just reached 5,000 page views a few weeks back and for some reason Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I had more pageviews than ever before around 400 for the weekend and am now looking at 5,912 pageviews.  I do not know what I did but I need to figure it out so I can do it again that is for sure.

Then last night before going to bed I was playing a game on my cell phone and won unlimited lives for 30 minutes and that made my evening!  These games are so addictive and only give you five lives at a time then you have to beg friends for more lives and wait anywhere from two minutes to 30 minutes to get new lives.  Oh, there is the option of buying more lives but I cannot justify that even if I had all the money in the world.

Today started off as a really good day then I spilled my Iced Caramel Macchiato and wanted to cry and it just went downhill from there.  I am an Avon Representative and was trying to pay my invoice and somehow screwed it up and they are refunding the $55.05 in the form of a check and it will take 7 to 10 business days for them to do that.  My incredibly amazing husband is not speaking to me now and I don't blame him that was a big screw up on my part.  I am finishing this post and climbing back into bed so that after my nap I can be OPTIMISTIC that next week WILL be better!

Copyright © 2014 Lysa Wilds

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Who comes up with these "pranks" anyway?

My family is full of pranksters so it was no big surprise when my younger two began playing pranks on those around them.  I am even guilty of getting away with a prank or two every once in a while.  I came across a picture the other day that brought back a few memories of the pranks they have played on Mom.  They got me good on more than a few occasions and below are just a few of those times that led me to ponder, who comes up with these pranks anyway?

My sweet and "innocent" looking 
daughters'.  Brooklynn is on the top and 
Kelsey is on the bottom.

One afternoon I was washing the dishes while Brooklynn and Kelsey were out front playing with their friend across the street.  Kelsey, my little actress, ran into the kitchen all frantic and said, “Mom, your favorite bras are in the garbage can out front!”  It took me a few seconds to process what she had just said then I exclaimed, “What?!  Well did you get them out?”  “No, I can’t reach them,” was her reply.  With that she followed me as I made my way through the garage to the garbage cans to retrieve my bras.

As we approach the cans she points to the one they are inside of.  I whipped open the lid really fast while Brooklynn and her friend all of a sudden pop out of the garbage can like a pair of Jack-in-the-Boxes.  I screamed louder than I think I have ever screamed before.  My heart was pounding and I didn’t know if I wanted to cry or laugh so I joined in on the laughter because that was the best one yet!  I was really mad thinking Kelsey had put my bras there but that is a story for another day.  Below is a picture of the only evidence that remains, besides our memories of that prank.  

They tagged the inside of the garbage can.

One afternoon Brooklynn, her best friend, whom I call OD (Other Daughter), and I were the only ones at home when after about 30 minutes of silence I went to investigate the situation.  Why?  Because in my experience, not only with my children, when the kiddos get real quiet they are usually up to no good.  I searched the house for them but they were nowhere to be found and all of the doors were still locked so they didn’t leave the house either.  I was calling out their names but no response.  At this point I figured they must be hiding in a closet somewhere so off I went to search all of the closets and both bathtubs but still no girls.

This was shortly after my then fiancĂ© now husband, Kenny, had moved into our house so the garage was packed with boxes and extra furniture so I had gone out there a few times during my search calling their names but I didn’t see or hear anything.  About 10 minutes after my closet searching was over I decided to go back into the garage to look around some more.  I have to admit I was beginning to worry about them at this point.  This time I actually walked into the garage and began hearing little noises yet I couldn’t figure out where exactly they were coming from.  Then it happened, the girls erupted into laughter giving up their hiding spot.

I walked towards the now hysterical laughter to find that they somehow crawled between the love seat stacked on top of the sofa.  There they were all cozy with snacks and everything in their secret little fort.  (Keep in mind that they are not little kids but actual freshmen in high school.)  In between their giggles now they said in unison, “We just wanted to see how long it would take you to come find us,” in sweet, innocent, little voices.  I was definitely not amused at this point and out of the blue OD added, “You did a good job Mom, it didn’t take that long at all.” 

All I could do was roll my eyes, thankful they were okay, and began laughing along with them at their crazy little prank they just pulled.  For a few weeks that secret little fort was where they went to hang out and listen to One Direction giving my ears a much needed break.  When I told Brooklynn about this blog post yesterday she started laughing and said, “We were really, really bummed when you took the sofas away!” 

Not the exact sofas but thought you needed a visual.

The last prank, well in all reality flop, occurred during a garage sale we were having to get rid of the “extras” we now owned once our houses combined into one.  Kenny and I were busy setting things up and Brooklynn was MIA (Missing in Action).  I began to look for her but was distracted by a customer and after that I gave up on trying to find her as Kenny and the garage sale needed me.

A short while later I was standing next to the dryer we were selling when I heard noises coming from inside of it, then the door opened and out popped Miss Brooklynn’s head.  I jumped a little bit as it had kind of startled me.  Then told her to freeze so I could get my cell phone to take the picture below.  With this prank turning into a flop she tried to play it off and said, “What?  I just wanted to see if I could fit in there.”  Kenny and I cracked up when those words came out of her mouth.  “Brooklynn, if you just wanted to see if you could fit in there you wouldn’t have stayed in there for 20 minutes,” I said laughing even harder.  “Can’t blame a kid for trying,” she said as she winked at me.  Oh that kid is a character!

Brooklynn in the dryer.

I recalled these memories because of that single picture of Brooklynn in the dryer.  I guess it really is true…a picture is worth a thousand words because that is where the word count is at now.  On that note, for those of you who saw the picture of “Tortilla Mask” and questioned why I wasn’t fazed by waking up to that sight, you now know why!  For those of you who haven’t seen it here it is:

Brooklynn wearing her "Tortilla Mask."

© 2014 Lysa Wilds

Friday, September 19, 2014

Mommy Reality Challenge #18

The "Drinking" Game

I asked my husband to run up to Fry's before work to grab my FAV drink, that I do not purchase often enough, just for this challenge.  When my husband saw me taking pictures of it he looked at me like I was insane, again.  He does not listen long enough to get the whole Mommy Reality he is still amazing to me!

© 2014 Lysa Wilds

What Makes You Happy?

~ Tag and I Was It ~

I was tagged by Morgan over at Shaking Away The Cobwebs.  We met a few months back when she commented on one of my blogs.  I, in turn, began reading her blogs.  I truly enjoy reading them because at the end of the day no matter which country you live in we all face the same challenges as Mom's or Mum's as Morgan would say.   I am also enjoying getting to know my new friend in another country. Click on the link above so you can also get to know her and love her Mum blogs as I do!  

Now, I have three questions to answer and it was not as easy as I first thought it would be.  In two categories there were too many things to choose from so I made a list of the first ten things that came to my mind.  Then I narrowed it down by how happy each item made me.  After that it was pretty easy to write about each item and this is what I came up with...

~ Who Makes You Happy ~

  • My Amazing Husband ~ His picture ^^^^^^ He is the kindest, sweetest, most amazingly loving man I have ever known.  He is THE love of my life, my best friend, everything to me, and I do not know what I would do without him!!!!

    • My Children ~ All four of my children are the lights of my life and bring me more joy than I can even begin to touch on here.  Each is unique and have talents all their own.  I treasure the memories I have of each them as well as those that we continue to make.

      • My Family ~ My parents, sister, brother-in-law, brother, sister-in-law, nieces and nephews...when we get together, usually once a month, we are always laughing and enjoying each other’s company.  Also, my aunt and cousin in Florida bring me happiness on a daily basis via Facebook!

        • My Friends ~ I have a few close friends with whom I laugh with as often as I can.  Some are real life friends and some are online friends.  Usually we are laughing at ourselves, but isn't that what all good friends do?

        ~ What Makes You Happy ~

        • Pretty Pink Sparkly Things ~ Above is a small example ^^^^^^^ I love EVERYTHING Pink!!!! If they sell it in Pink I will buy it just because it is Pink and also because my husband will not touch it if it is Pink!  It is my "signature" color, or so I have been told. 

          • My Writing ~ Writing fills my soul with joy, it is my temporary escape from the rest of the world, even if for just a short period of time.  Writing has made me feel this way ever since I was a child.  I was one of the lucky ones who fulfilled their dreams when I was a journalist for a local newspaper.  No other job will ever compare!

            • Presents~ I mean don't presents make EVERYONE happy????  

              • Music ~ I have always loved music because whenever I am down or just in need of some motivation, I turn on the radio and am instantly happier and/or motivated.  I really love it when my girls sing and dance around the house with me...I cannot dance anymore but I hope you get the picture!

              ~ Where Makes You Happy ~ 

              • The Beach ~ I think it is mostly due to the fact that I was born on the Jersey Shore and pretty much lived on the beach as a child, but I am just drawn to it.  I have been known to drive to California just to be near it.  I lived in Washington State, by the water twice; once was even on an island!  Not completely sure what it is but the beach is definitely my top "Happy Where!"

                • In My Husband's Arms ~ No matter what is going on in my world, when I am in my husband's arms everything feels perfect to me and it makes me oh so happy knowing he is mine!  

                  • My Office ~ Let me re-word that, my soon to be office or office in progress.  It is just for me, my private little space to hide away from the world and write until my heart is content.  Oh, and there is that business thing that will also take place in there.  Getting closer to completion and I cannot wait!!!!

                  ~ Tag You Are It ~

                  Now it is my turn to tag another blogger and I have chosen Jen over at JENerally Informed.  I met Jen through the Mommy Reality Challenge she and Celeste host every week on their blogs.  I look forward to every Friday morning when the new challenge is revealed and the past week's winner is announced.  I have been awarded runner-up twice, unexpectedly I might add. 

                  One look at the home page for her blog and it is clear to see she has something for everyone there.  Once a week her husband, known as Jensguy, writes his Man Day Posts with a wide range of topics.  My favorites from Jensguy are his "techie" posts about blogging and other technical issues/topics. 

                  Jen is not only one of the BEST bloggers I have come across but she is an amazing, caring, loving, and funny person as well.  I often wonder, in amazement, how she does it ALL!  I now consider her my friend and she is one of my blogs biggest supporter's.  Definitely click on the link to discover, in my opinion, blogger heaven at JENerally Informed. 

                  © Copyright 2014 Welcome to My Circus


                  Friday, September 12, 2014

                  ~ Mommy Reality Challenge #17~

                  Time for Mommy Reality Challenge #17:  How many pillows are REALLY on your bed?

                  Our bed is pretty throw pillows here.  I have three pillows on my side and my hubby has two on his so a total of 5 pillows on our bed.  However, we are in the process of re-decorating our bedroom and the new bedding I have picked out has several throw's time to get girly in our room tired of the depressing "man friendly" bedding! lol

                  Learning How to Grieve ~ Part Two...

                  Just when you think you are at the point of acceptance, the final stage of grieving, something, almost anything can bring all the pain back in an instant.  Then without warning you begin to feel helpless, overwhelmingly sad, and incredibly depressed all over again.  You are left bargaining but this time around you are doing it to just make the pain stop already. 

                   For me it was a birthday.  I made it through the day just fine, it was a few weeks later when it hit me out of the blue as I began to cry uncontrollably. The party, presents, cake, and games that never were…the yearly family gathering was missed by us all.  The memories that would have, could have, and should have been made caused the tears to flow even harder.  Will next year be the same?

                   It feels as if my world has ended all over again.  I know it has not because I have gone through this part once already, but it does not stop the pain I am feeling here today.  My life will go on, I hope not as slowly as before.  I am just waiting for the new normal to return again…at least I now know that it is there waiting for me.

                   Although this day is a really, really bad day, it is only a day.  Once I silently cry myself to sleep tonight, I will wake to a new day, a stronger day because I made it through the last. Each new day I have to remind myself if I made it through yesterday I can make it through today.  I am finding new and inventive ways, or at least they are to me, of getting through the days, weeks, and months.

                   I have learned that grief really does come in waves.  One hour you are completely fine and the next a total and complete wreck.  One day you are okay and another at your complete worse wishing the day would finally end or some days not even bothering to get out of bed to face this cruel world at all.  I have even noticed that some months are even better than others.  It is a process with no time frame and no real order or sequence.  You just have to learn to ride the waves and embrace them as they come…easier said than done!

                   I am still learning how to go with the flow of what my heart and soul are feeling.  I found myself still trying to desperately to push thoughts and feelings away.  I was told it is a natural reaction, a way our brain tries to, in a sense, protect us from the tragedy or something like that…I kind of zoned out during the explanation because I did not want to hear it quite yet.  This is only meant to be a temporary solution though.  The sooner you face the grief the sooner you will begin to heal.  The longer you run from it the more it will fester and grow to consume you.  The grief began to consume me and despite others trying to make me realize that was happening, it was something I had to realize myself due to pure stubbornness.  Take my advice here and do not take too long to face the grief.  Once it begins to consume you it is so very hard to climb back out of that darkness.

                   It took me quite some time to cry and it had me concerned.  Let me explain, I cried when it first happened but not a real cry where you cry your heart out until it hurts and you just cannot cry anymore.  The soul cleansing type of cry.  Once I finally allowed myself to do just that I began to realize it really is okay to cry and it is not a sign of weakness but a sign of healing.

                   I remember the first time after my loss when I laughed, I felt so guilty for it.  I now know that it is okay to laugh and I do not have to feel guilty for having positive emotions while dealing with loss.  It, in my opinion, is another sign of healing.  I have been crying and found myself laughing, at my husband being silly to cheer me up, it is common now for me to do both at the same time.

                   I have to remind myself, although my husband does an amazing job at doing so, to take care of myself even when I do not fell like it.  When I do not want to eat, he makes me take at least a bite or two off his plate.  When I do not want to get out of bed he encourages me too, often by “making” me go to the store with him or a quick car ride just to get me out of the house.  He tells me to go write something because it is what I love to do.  He also reminds me that I need to keep living and quit hiding from the world.  Unfortunately, not everyone has someone as thoughtful, loving, and caring as my husband is to me so it is even more important for you to remind yourself of these things.  Something that I am gradually getting better at, I finally made dinner for the first time a few weeks back and it felt good to be in my kitchen cooking again.

                   I have also learned how important it is not to shut people out or cut yourself off from relationships.  I am finally letting everyone back in and have found that not only have I hurt others but I have hurt myself as well by shutting them all out.  The more people I let back in the more love and support I am finding to help me move on with my life.

                   As wonderful as my husband is, he doesn’t always respond perfectly to my grief.  No one will be able to 100% of the time, some will not be able to at all, and some will even let you down and disappoint you.  Friends and family members who you thought would be there for you are not, while people you barely know will reach out to you with inspiring and encouraging words to brighten up your day.

                   I was not prepared to work through the hurt and forgiveness at others’ reactions.  I was already dealing with enough pain and when others did not react in the way I expected them to, it was a whole new level of disappointment and I pain I have never experienced before.  So if you are grieving, please prepare yourself for this, do not expect everyone to react the way you want them to.  Also remember that some people may love you but just do not know how to react or support you in the way you need and want them to.

                   I have a closer relationship with God now, for he has proved to me that he has been here all along perfectly.  He has not let me down, as I originally thought.  When I am alone he lets me scream to let it all out.  He lets me cry and question and even allows me to throw every single emotion I have at Him and yet he is still here perfectly for me.  He is not only there perfectly for me but for everyone who is grieving because he is always near to the brokenhearted.

                   I have found that taking the time to truly remember those we have lost has actually helped my grieving process.  I have privately written about my loss in detail and have relived all of the memories of times we have shared.  I soaked up all of the good times we had shared and during the bad times pull them from my memory to get through that bad moment in time.  Looking through old pictures has helped me as well.  I was surprised at other old photos I came across that brought smiles to my face when I was just crying moments before. 

                   As I mentioned in the first blog post, it really is okay to ask for help whether it be professional help or friends and family members. It is also okay to need people.  The more love and support you surround yourself with and accept, the easier the grief becomes to deal with. Do not get me wrong, you will have days, even weeks where you think you have begun to accept your loss then the next thing you know you find yourself grieving yet again.  Those moments of feeling acceptance help to push me through the bad times because what I did not truly know before is that those moments really do exist and in the end that is what I am working towards.

                   I have said it before but everyone experiences grief in completely different ways and in their own time frames.  The best advice I can offer from my experience is to completely embrace the grief and stop trying to run from it because I have learned that despite the hurt it can be a beautiful, deep, and incredibly profound experience.  Do not allow yourself to be afraid of the grief just learn how to ride the waves.  I am continually surprised at what grief has and continues to teach me and if you are grieving, I am sure you will be as well.

                   To those who have read this blog post…thank you for letting the writing process make me feel better today.

                  © 2014 Lysa Wilds