~ The Most Trying of Times ~

I'm going through, for a lack of a better description, an incredibly difficult time in my life. I feel the need to write about it so I can process it all and get it all out at the same time. But, and it's a really big but, I cannot and will not give any specific details. This leaves me perplexed because how can I write about it without actually talking about it? Well, here we go...

I have been bullied, tortured, verbally abused, mentally abused, and pushed to the edge of insanity for over four years now. Technically it has been about 12 years, but the last four have been unfathomable! Still not sure if it is obsession, hatred, or both that is fueling this persons desire to hurt me. Enough is enough already!

They will never push me over the edge like we all assume is their master plan. I am a much stronger person than they have ever given me credit for. I am even stronger now that I have taken back the power I gave them to hurt me in the first place. This is only a perplexing and frightening situation in lieu of a hurtful one for the first time.

I have been married less than two months. This is suppose to be my honeymoon and my happily ever after. Not my biggest nightmare parts three and four; but that is what it has become.

I actually found out today that this recent scheme began 25 days before my wedding day. A ploy that not only myself, but those closest to me believe was developed to try and ruin my wedding day. Thankfully God was watching out for me and it did not commence until after our wedding.

My life story needs to be turned into a book. It is far stranger than fiction with unbelievable twists and turns throughout. There are several situations in which you would be certain of the outcome then at the last minute the exact opposite occurs again and again. One day, when I am ready to relive it all I will do just that. For my own safety and sanity it may just have to wait about five more years.

Our justice system is so incredibly flawed that my stomach turns just thinking about it. I want my justice at last! I want for once, for the judge to actually look at only the proven facts and the evidence before him instead of believing the fabricated and exaggerated lies, that are all just speculation. There is not a shed of evidence or proof to his stories. This person will and has concocted unbelievable tales every time accusations are brought up against him. It is his way of deflecting the situation at hand away from him and aimed in my direction. He is a master manipulator and a pathological liar and that is being kind.

I can only pray that the time is approaching rather quickly in which I just might obtain the justice I so desperately want and deserve. I'm fearful of the decision I may be forced to make...it hurts my heart and soul to even think about making it. But beyond a shadow of a doubt this reign of terror, control, and abuse must be brought to a permanent end this time around! One way or another it WILL cease to emerge EVER again! This time a line has been crossed that never should have been crossed. It will no longer be tolerated in any case, in any event, or in any manner from here on out.

I have exhaustively and painstakingly been pushed past my emotional and physical limit. My health is deteriorating on a consistent basis due to the unnecessary stress being forced upon me as a direct result of his fraudulent accusations. I am constantly in unimaginable pain and am hardly without severe tremors in my feet. This is accompanied by perpetual seizures that have me terrified I might not make it out of this alive.

I am absolutely frightened, heartbroken, repulsed, and devastated when taking everything in mind. I may, as a result of the deterioration of my health, be incapable of seeing this battle through to the end. It is a choice I struggle with every second of every day. I will persevere until I am on my death bed but it never should have come this far.

I am disgusted with every aspect of the judicial system. For aren't they suppose to protect us from our abusers? Well they do not, they give them more power and control so they can continue their reign of terror upon their helpless victims. When will it ever end for not only myself but other woman and children in our country. I am hoping and praying it does not end with my demise.

Whew...I feel better already...if anyone actually read this blog post I thank you for letting me vent and get this off my chest.


©2014 Lysa Wilds

I never thought I would be able to forgive…

           

             

 “Forgiveness is not always easy.  At times it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it.  And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.”   

~ Marianne Williamson

Reading that quote on my sister, Melissa's, Facebook wall made me sick to my stomach, tears poured down my face, it gave me goose bumps, and the images and memories I have been hiding from flashed before my eyes.  Then as I took a deep breath to calm my nerves I felt sorry for HIM.  I’ve been trying to heal for 16 years now and it happened in an instant all because of that quote.

I refuse to give details or discuss much about it because I still live in fear and those are memories best locked away.  What I will say is that for many years I was put through a living hell and lucky to have escaped with my life.  I endured things most of you can’t even begin to fathom.  I’ll tell my story one day because it is better than fiction, in a sick and twisted way, with an unbelievable ending that left the police officer sobbing on the phone with me when he had to tell me the news.  But I’m not writing about that today, I’m writing about forgiving.

Forgiveness has never been easy for me.  It is something I have always struggled with.  I’ve found that with distance and time I have forgiven others when recalling events.  There is always an instant feeling of peace when you finally let go of that negative energy and truly forgive.

Forgiving someone who destroyed your life, made up stories to hide the truth about HIM, continually tortured you for 16 years and counting was absolutely out of the question!  Wouldn’t you agree?  Well today it all ends!  I forgive YOU for the 13 years you took away from me.  Most of all I forgive YOU for what you have been doing to her for the past 16 years.  I forgive YOU and I also know you’ll either hear about this or maybe even read it yourself.  I pray YOU can forgive yourself the way that I have forgiven YOU today!

Yes, my hands are shaking and tears are flowing as I write this and yes I’m terrified of what might happen because I am forgiving HIM in such a public forum; but I’m finally free all because I forgave the unforgiveable!  I took another deep breath and felt the tension, fear, and torment leave once and for all.  I truly feel at peace! 

Thank you Marianne Williamson for such a powerful quote!

©2014 Lysa Wilds

             

Stop This Ride I Want Off!!!!

Being the parent of two teenage daughters is a lot like being Bi-Polar; ups, downs, highs, lows, giggles to tears in an instant, and not wanting to get out of bed to face them and the drama.  It’s enough to make a sane person seek professional help!

            I struggle with Bi-Polar; I have my whole life, so I personally know how the two are so very similar.  For a little over three years now I’ve been stable on my treatment plan.  The most stable I’ve ever been.  I have a wonderful team of doctors, nurses, counselors, and other staff members and we’ve been through hell and back to get me where I am today.  My life has never been better.  I can finally function like a normal person; whatever normal is.

            Then a month ago it happened…my beautiful daughters, who I love more than anything in the world, completely lost their minds.  I’m at my breaking point mentally and physically.  My doctor has increased my anxiety medicine and unfortunately told me there wasn’t a pill I could take to deal with teenage girls all the while giggling at me.

            It’s a war zone and roller coaster mixed into one in my house.  There is constant fighting between the two of them where blows have been thrown and lips have bled and then there is this horrific high pitched scream that makes my ears bleed every time.  Needless to say they are in individual counseling but no luck there; at least not yet.

            The only thing I’m certain of these days is that these monsters are not the sweet, kind, and caring young ladies I raised.  It’s been about a month since I’ve seen those young ladies.  I see my daughters every day, well at least the shell of what use to be my daughters. 

            When will this madness end?

©2014 Lysa Wilds

The Waiting Game...

My doctor requires his patients to check in 15 minutes before their appointment time.  I have no problem with that.  What really irritates me is that here it is 15 minutes past my appointment time and I'm still waiting on him.  I've been here for 30 minutes now and I'm over this and ready to go home now.

     The appointment all together shouldn't be loner than 30 minutes. I have very little patience to begin with but when I'm feeling like crap the last thing I want to do is sit in a doctor’s office and wait for an eternity. 

     The time keeps ticking forward and my blood pressure is rising and my patience is running thinner.  I didn't see an ambulance outside so there obviously isn't an emergency he’s attending to.

     I just find it rude to have me just sit here waiting.  If I would have been 15 minutes late they wouldn't have seen me at all and I would have been charged $25 for a missed appointment.

     Here it is 25minutes past my appointment and I'm still waiting.  Oh wait, I hear him at the door of the exam room...yep he just knocked. 

     So after 40 minutes of waiting to be seen I've been referred to a neurologist and a nutritionist and had to have blood drawn as well.  I still have no answers as to why I came in here for in the first place. So now on to round two of the waiting game that I despise so very much!

©2014 Lysa Wilds

My Two Blessings in Disguise

   

    I’m trying hard to meet my first deadline for my new freelance writing job and told Brooklynn and Kelsey they needed to clean their rooms.  Of course they don’t understand the English that I speak and obviously today neither does Kenny.  What should have only taken an hour has taken several by the ridiculous interruptions that keep occurring.  

     Really Kenny you needed my opinion on which piece of plywood was best to use for the home improvement project your working on?  Then the “Hey Mom take a picture of us with the dogs for Instagram and insert #mancation”, they were watching Ridiculousness, seriously????  Then I hear a stomping elephant in the back of the house only to realize moments later that it was Kelsey when she said “Hey Mom don’t I look cute?" She was in Brooklynn’s graduation dress and 3” heels. 

     The best was when Kenny said “Can’t you find a more comfortable place to work?” My response, “I can’t even find a quiet place to work in this circus why do you care if I’m comfortable, I’m supposed to be working.” 

       Then right as I’m pondering whether or not it’s a good time to take a break I hear my precious girls in the hallway. Brooklynn yells, “Kelsey get back here and let me teach you how to slow dance.” I smirked, the stress immediately went away along with the frustration of them not cleaning their room for once they weren't fighting or bugging me. 

      As I finish writing this I now hear Kenny sawing the plywood from the garage…I told you my life was a circus!

©2014 Lysa Wilds