What Did I Just Sign Up For?!?!

     As I'm sitting here watching my nephew's soccer game and now my niece's soccer game it brings me back to when my daughter Brooklynn was in Kindergarten, about 9 years ago.  

Brooklynn came home from school one day with some paperwork about joining a soccer league. She was so excited and begged me to let her join. I read through the paperwork and decided it was a great opportunity for her to make friends and learn some valuable life skills by being a part of a team. I went to the meeting to sign her up with all of the forms filled out and my checkbook in hand only to be informed they didn't have a coach for her age group. 
     I was disappointed and heartbroken for Brooklynn then someone asked me if I would consider coaching the team. I thought to myself, what do I know about coaching or soccer for that matter. But before my mind could catch up with those thoughts I said yes. All of a sudden I was the head coach of a five to six year old soccer team. Thankfully I was going to have an assistant coach so I wouldn't be in this all alone...the only catch was that they hadn't found one yet.
     The reality of it all didn't really sink in until I was driving the 25 miles back to our town. (Keep in mind we were living in rural Iowa at the time.) I turned off Highway 3 onto Main Street and made my way to our house where I parked the car in the driveway and just stared down at the passenger seat where all of the coaching books sat. After fighting back tears for at least 20 minutes, I gathered up the rule books, team roster, and coaches’ books and slowly got out of my car and wandered into the house. Still not knowing what I had gotten myself into and confused about how it happened. 
     Where was I supposed to find time to coach a soccer team? I was a full-time college student, I worked part-time, and I was a mother to a five year old and three year old...I didn't even have time for myself. The pity party didn't last long because the stubborn Capricorn in me took over and I was determined to be the best coach this league had ever seen.
     I sat down at my computer and researched the rules and regulations for soccer. I learned what each position was called and what their job was. I read the books the league had given me the day I signed up then I took out my team roster to see how many kids were on my team and how many were boys and how many were girls. Found that Tuesday and Thursday late afternoons were the best times for me to hold practice. Then I looked up tips, ideas, and techniques on how to teach five and six year olds to play soccer.
Finally I sent out a letter to the parents introducing myself because I was new to the community, announcing practice times and location, a snack and beverage schedule for practices, along with uniform requirements. 
     We had four practices before our first game so I taught my team different drills to build up their skills and had two practice games half of my team against the other half. Things were going better than I ever thought. I'm going to brag by saying that I was an awesome coach...in only four practices a bunch of kids who knew nothing about soccer were running up and down the field like a well oiled machine for a bunch of give and six year olds!
     Then came our first game and everyone was excited and ready to win. We got out on the field and I was running up and down the field coaching my team when all of a sudden Brooklynn was lying in the middle of the field kicking, screaming, and crying! I rushed over to her to see what was wrong and while sobbing she said, "You're not paying attention to me just the other kids!" The tantrum got worse; I literally had to drag her off the field so they could continue the game. 
     I was horrified, embarrassed, and didn't know what to do. I still didn't have the assistant coach I was promised so it was only me out there. We won that game miraculously despite the fact that I had to carry Brooklynn up and down the field to coach the rest of my kids. 
     That was the end of my coaching career and I was never talked into coaching or doing anything of the sort ever again!

©2014 Lysa Wilds

Mommy I Need One of Those…

     

     My daughter, Kelsey, has been clumsy since the day she learned to walk.  She was always falling and tripping over air!!  One day she had fallen down the steep staircase in the 1900 Victorian Gingerbread home I owned in Iowa.  The poor kid just could not stay on her feet and was always getting hurt.

     One morning when she was about four years old we were watching TV waiting for the Head Start school bus to pick her up.  A commercial came on the TV and I started to walk away.  Kelsey yelled, “Mommy, Mommy it’s my show.”  I walked back into the living room to see what she was talking about.  When she saw me she pointed to the TV and said, “I need one of them so I don’t fall down!”  I started laughing hysterically because it was a commercial for the Scooter Store.

     I spent the next 15 minutes trying to explain to a four year old that those were for people who had a hard time walking because of their health etc.  She just wasn’t getting why she couldn’t get one because she had a hard time walking just like the people on the commercial.  Finally I just said, “Kelsey, did you notice that all the people on the commercial were older like Great Grandma?  That’s why you can’t have one you’re just too young.”  Surprisingly, it worked and she moved onto another topic of conversation until her bus arrived.

     Ever since that day when a scooter commercial comes on I yell so she can hear me, “Kelsey your show is on!”  Brooklynn and I then laugh hysterically while Kelsey rolls her eyes at us!

©2014 Lysa Wilds

Epic Fail First Day as a Freshman

   

 I tried my best to prepare my 14 year old daughter for her first days as a lowly freshman in high school.  Her step-mom joined us for the pep rally and orientation.  We even toured the campus to show her where her classes, bathrooms, locker room, lunch room, etc where.  After all the school really hasn’t changed since I was a freshman there.

     We really thought she was prepared and would be just fine.  Her step-mom dropped her off the first day of school and she was to take the bus home to my house that afternoon.  Sounds easy enough right?

      She couldn't figure out how to open her locker.  (It took over a week before a friend showed her how.)  Then she ended the day with an epic fail!  She forgot her bus number and instead of just looking for her friends that live in our neighborhood she freaks out and runs to the bookstore.  She waited in line for 30 minutes to get her bus number.  By the time she finally got her bus number all of the buses had left the school.  Her step-mom rescued her and brought her home to me.

      When she finally arrived home she found her bus schedule and bus number taped to her bedroom door and I made her write the bus number on every binder and folder she had in her backpack.  She is definitely a mini me and should have been born with blonde hair just like me.

       There will be more stories about Miss Brooklynn and her high school adventures she comes home every day with another hilarious story and yes they are true…my poor Peanut!

©2014 Lysa Wilds

Scary Pants Pooping Time – Thanks Grannie Jane

 

   A few weeks before Halloween my son and I were going through Grannies’ boxes of Halloween Costumes trying to decide what we were going to be that year.  My son had to touch everything, and try everything on as little boys often do because they are always squirming around.

     Somewhere in the middle of our throwing costumes every where Grannie snuck away to her bedroom and called Dustin to come look at what she had found.  She met him at her bedroom door with the scariest mask I've ever seen and Dustin jumped at least 3 feet in the air and I screamed as if I was being murdered. 

     After we all calmed down and Grannie stopped laughing Dustin announced that his Grannie really scared the poop out of him and ran off to the bathroom. None of us kids or grand kids have ever liked that room and that’s not the only reason why. It’s just a spooky room to begin with and still to this day my son and I will not go into her room.

©2014 Lysa Wilds

The Worse Case of Bad Breath – EVER I’m Not Exaggerating!

When my son was about five years old almost overnight he developed the absolute horrific breath any of us had ever smelt.  His Dad, my Mom (Grannie Jane), and I tried everything to cure his horrid stomach turning breath.  We even started brushing his teeth for him, he was gargling with mouth wash, you name it we tried it. 

This went on for what seemed like an eternity but was really only a month or two.  His Dad decides to take him to his Pediatrician.  After only a few seconds in the room with them the doctor looked up my son’s nose and pulled rotted lunch meat out of his nostrils.  The bad breath went away almost immediately.

Turns out that my son knew it was up his nose but wasn't going to tell anyone because he put it up there so he wouldn't have to eat it in the first place.  His Dad is a big jokester so I didn't believe him at first then I wanted to pass out from embarrassment when I realized he wasn't joking around.

All I can say is I’m glad I didn't take him to see the Pediatrician…if memory serves me right I don’t think we ever took him back to see that doctor  again. 

©2014 Lysa Wilds

My Two Blessings in Disguise

   

    I’m trying hard to meet my first deadline for my new freelance writing job and told Brooklynn and Kelsey they needed to clean their rooms.  Of course they don’t understand the English that I speak and obviously today neither does Kenny.  What should have only taken an hour has taken several by the ridiculous interruptions that keep occurring.  

     Really Kenny you needed my opinion on which piece of plywood was best to use for the home improvement project your working on?  Then the “Hey Mom take a picture of us with the dogs for Instagram and insert #mancation”, they were watching Ridiculousness, seriously????  Then I hear a stomping elephant in the back of the house only to realize moments later that it was Kelsey when she said “Hey Mom don’t I look cute?" She was in Brooklynn’s graduation dress and 3” heels. 

     The best was when Kenny said “Can’t you find a more comfortable place to work?” My response, “I can’t even find a quiet place to work in this circus why do you care if I’m comfortable, I’m supposed to be working.” 

       Then right as I’m pondering whether or not it’s a good time to take a break I hear my precious girls in the hallway. Brooklynn yells, “Kelsey get back here and let me teach you how to slow dance.” I smirked, the stress immediately went away along with the frustration of them not cleaning their room for once they weren't fighting or bugging me. 

      As I finish writing this I now hear Kenny sawing the plywood from the garage…I told you my life was a circus!

©2014 Lysa Wilds